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stories >> 1997 - 06 - 25

Bonecrusher

      NB the limited distribution on my midnight ramblings!

      Jimbo and I saw Soul Hat, and I have to say that they pretty much sucked. Not as bad as the opening guy "Earth Pig", who defined new levels of suckness in this already too sucky world. I told Jim that this Earth Pig character reminded me of my stoner friends in high school who would invite you over to drink beer while they played four hours worth of space music on their guitar. Yawnsville.
      And Soul Hat... well, I knew we were in trouble when I was sweating bullets and the main guy is wearing both a stocking cap and socks with his sandals. I don't even remember any of the songs, except "Good to Be Gone", and something about a big backyard, and some cool song in the middle. Some hippy wannabe guy next to me who hadn't seen a stick of Right Guard in three days got pissed that people were standing in front of him, so he decided that he should take it out on me and keeps throwing his stinky self up against me. Great.
      So Jim and I keep sucking down the Pearls (or were they Perls?) and the bartender tells us he "accidentally" charged a Shiner and some Lites to my tab, punkass. I told Jim I wish I had a gun so I could kill myself since the suckness of this sucky show was surpassing all known suck boundaries.
      But, then, a hint of light.... as Jim screams the opening words of Bone Crusher in between songs, Mr. Stocking Cap growls "we're getting there."
      And then, they play a Black Sabbath cover.
      And then, two songs later, out comes the fateful words: "This is a song.... for my mother....."
      And we were crushed. Sweet, sweet, Bone Crusher. I started jumping up and down like I stand eleven feet tall, using hippy-attitude-boy as a launching pad. All of a sudden I noticed that there wasn't anybody around me, not hippy fella, not the frat boys, not anyone at all. I had bounced a tiny oasis in the middle of the crowd. I look over at Jim, and lo and behold, there is another circle around him. We scream the lyrics back and forth at each other. We give the high five. We've got a Ph.D. in being bad, and we just got back from hell. We keep on crushing it. Deep Joy.
      And then they were done. We went to see a band for just one song. And it was sweet.

 

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